re: tired...

So I had a dream a few years back... I was inspecting the 'wares' at this store with a whole lot of puppies all placed as you would bakery goods on display. I was particularly interested in one, she was white and chubby (I think she was a french bulldog...) but as I gazed upon her, I heard a voice from the right of my vision (energies have form but speak without words) "No, not that one - the next generation." The energy then pointed to another display cabinet: "That one there - and her name is Forest". 'She' was ruby red and so tiny, all curled up like a cinnamon bun... So I waited, telling everyone who would listen that my pup was on her way and that her name was Forest (so I can learn to see the forest for the trees I figure. Ya know, see the bigger picture and not get caught up with specifics, details and individual events).

The day came when I saw that a friend's dog had pups. And yes, there she was in amongst the litter of 6 (one passed at birth). Not knowing my dream (why had I not told her?!), I phoned her up and said - I want a female - and her name is Forest. Not surprising, she and her partner had given each pup a 'litter' name that morning and they all had a forest theme: Sequoia, Moss, Pine, Rowen - and Hazel, a name close to my heart (known for wisdom, protection, divination - mystical magical properties and revered by ancient ones/druids).

She came from her mother gasping - it was obvious that being born was a challenge. It took her placenta half an hour to separate and come away - so it was also obvious she needed that prolonged oxygenated blood flow through her cord in order to safely transition (placentas are very inelligent creatures).

I know Forest is resilient. I know that she cherishes being here: she fought long and hard to be here... And she was exactly what I needed to enter into the next phase of my life (after fighting long and hard to be there for women): RETIREMENT (what ever THAT means...)

It's amazing how tired one can be when one walks away from one's passion and STOPS... How the body says "Finally! a chance to tell her what I really think; what I really feel: and what I really need!" And the spirit echoes these sentiments - and they both begin to natter away at me at the same time and I am lost in a (sometimes) cacophony of sound or (sometimes) a whisper filled with loving intent.

And Forest is there, in her beautiful presence - knowing the struggle of existence but a thriving warrior none the less. She is indeed my reminder to see the 'Forest for the trees'.

So I listen to the needs of spirit and body - and I rest, relax, set a 'routine' (woohoo! I can actually have a routine!!) to exercise, go for walks, spend time with family, hug my granddaughter, book a massage, throw my clothes off at night and know I don't have to set out clothes 'just in case' - that I'll be able to sleep all night if I want to (sometimes the moon and the stars and the planets beckon me...).

And sometimes, I can curl up in a little ball and let the world turn without me. Blessed be.

...and they all lived happily ever after...

I tell my granddaughter stories and I always try to end with '...and they all lived happily ever after..." that's because I believe that one must always end on a good note. It gives Hope; it gives butterfly cells a chance at success; it gives way for yet another story...

When I think back to the various midwifery roles I have embraced, starting from a very early age, when I saw my mother struggling after the birth of my youngest sister, I am deeply touched by my desire, my passion to support women during this profound moment in time. And if I could herald a new age where women are worshiped, bowed down to, as they cross the threshold into motherhood, I might be satisfied that they all lived happily ever after...

But I'm tired now, aging into the elder years and will gracefully bow out of the frontline and allow the younger, more resilient women to move in to take my place. Some will feel the desire to embrace the organised regulated system; others the role of support for the women through emotional, spiritual and social modalities; and still others will find their place in becoming mothers themselves. I hope that all will be satisfied with the where, when and with whom they choose. After all, it is only ourselves that we must wake up to...

I watch as my granddaughter takes her place in this time and space. I wonder what the environment will be like when she reaches that place of decision making.

I might not be there to tell her the stories, about the way things were; the way I wanted them to be; the way that there was so much push and pull, when being sovereign came with challenges that sometimes left a woman crushed and unable to get back up again, while others beamed with delight and joyfulness, strong in their stance and ready to get on with the challenges that awaited them.

I carried her as an egg that nestled deeply in her mother's body. I know her intimately as she knows me. She felt my struggles and elations; my failures and my successes. She knows how much I love her...

It is time to hang up the knitting needles when the back and hips groan at 3 in the morning; when putting out clothes to wear just in case there is a call out becomes a tiresome ritual; when my bed is all I want when a woman is only getting started on her birthing journey; and

when yet another midwife or birth support is legally challenged because that's not 'how we do it' anymore...

And yet... I would do it all again just to see a beautiful, strong, powerful woman reach down and take up the infant that will be her home for the rest of her life... A miracle amongst the every day...

And I will smile when I hear that same woman speak of her newest pregnancy; or the child I once 'caught', sharing the news that she now has a bubba within. My heart will fill with joyful anticipation and I will be there, in whatever capacity I can be there, to support her.

Blessings on us all. For I have been blessed in the knowing of the women's secrets and been witness to the magical, mystical journey of existence.

Men at (birth)Work...

Through my practice as a home birth midwife, I have become increasingly aware of the HUGE journey that partners are on during the experiences of pregnancy, labour, birth and early infancy - becoming ‘father’ to a child.

Janet Balaskas (1990), one of western world’s renowned experts in natural birthing practice suggests that the baby’s father is also pregnant - that transformation into being a parent is not only for the women within our western society.

Janet also noted (as have I in my practice) that the father or partner role is as unique as the men that experience it: ’men differ in degrees to which they want to be involved in their partner’s pregnancy, labour and birth’ and there are no rights and wrongs (generally) on how fathers take on the task of transformation. It is a matter of choice: how you support your partner and how you support yourself during this time; how YOU embrace the experience is YOUR personal journey. So let’s get started…

Most men, during their life, develop values and behaviours that will (or wont) support this transition - these are generally based on previous experience, family/societal values and culture. And they include ideas about how their child should be born. Some fathers may have experienced difficulties when they were birthed (and this is often stored as ‘body knowledge’) or they may be acquainted with women or friends or family who have experienced complications (or lack of complications) of labour and birth. These can all result in fear and anxiety (or the reverse, such as excitement and no fear) which ultimately will affect their woman’s ability to trust her body; relax and allow herself to surrender and submit to the birthing experience.

It’s not surprising, upon hearing the news ‘I’m pregnant’ (and this in all situations, whether the pregnancy is planned or unplanned) that you are bombarded with thoughts, visions, emotions that may be new to you and seem to come from nowhere. When this occurs, take a deep breath and be grateful for the opportunity to explore them: As they present themselves to you during pregnancy so that you have the time to adjust and embrace the birth of your child in the most positive way - your unique journey into fatherhood.

Firstly, allow yourself to explore your thoughts and feelings, don’t run away from them. Preferably, talk to your partner or find a trustworthy friend who you can talk honestly and openly with. Talk about everything: thoughts, feelings, dreams, something you read or heard. Or you may want to start a journal. Or you might be fortunate to have a midwife or birth worker that you have come to trust and possibly, you have asked her/him to attend to you both in the birthing.

You might think you’ve already had these conversations and figure there is nothing more to say. Rest assured, the thought of becoming pregnant is one thing - becoming pregnant is another.

There will be LOTS that comes up for both of you and probably more so the closer you come to ‘the day’. In my experience, this sharing (and caring) brings you both closer - and believe me, when it comes to being a parent, this closeness will serve you (and your children) well.

Honesty (did I say HONESTY?!) is the best policy from my experience - don’t hang on to it, let it out - by sharing with your partner first and foremost (in a kind and loving manner) and then trusted and loving friends, family and care provider - you will gain the insight and knowledge to do a great job at fathering. All these people (and be discerning, if sharing information doesn’t feel right, then reconsider before jumping in) can lead you towards receiving the support you may need and the information you desire to fully embrace the birth in a positive, optimistic and wholesome way.

It may mean looking beyond yourself and your social group for the information and support.

So now would be the time to research, explore, ask questions, dig around… Some men hook up with counsellors for unfinished business or issues that they don’t want to take with them into fathering; it might mean long and deep conversations with your own father or people you trust (random conversations with the guy on the bus may not (or may, lol) be the most appropriate source of information). And if this doesn’t suit (and remember, you are on a journey and every day is a new day of self discovery) you might think you need other support on another day.

You might love to read so books are your go-to source; or can’t imagine reading and listening to podcasts is your thing; there might be personal stories or YouTubes that attract you - or local men’s groups might be the go… Consider books (eBooks, audioBooks), podcasts, social media support groups; local men’s groups that are specific to becoming a father. There is so much ‘out there’ and a simple google search might be a good place to start.

The list below (because to be honest, there is too much information for me to share here) are resources that include podcasts for men by men. And once you commit to exploring, the list will become so long that you will need to really focus on what will serve you. And remember to share the resulting thoughts and feelings with you partner - research is not just for you - it is for you as a couple and for your unborn child: to give the family the very best ‘you’.

Thanks to all the dads that have shared with me; have asked for my support; and who I’ve had the pleasure of watching as you walked the transforming walk to fatherhood. Wishing you the very best on your journey, Tere x

NB:

Usually partners are male and being that this article is for ‘e-male’, I will focus on the ‘men’ who find themselves as partners and husbands to ‘women’ who are giving birth.

RESOURCES:

Books:

“Men at birth” 2011 Edited by David Vernon, forward by Steve Biddulf Finch Publishing, Sydney Aust

Houser, Patrick 2007 ‘Fathers-to-be Handbook’ - a road map for the transition to Fatherhood UK

Balaskas, Janet; Gordon, Yehudi “Water Birth” - The concise guide to using water during pregnancy, birth and infancy 1990 Thorsons UK ‘The Father’s Feelings p 45 - 46; Books:

Houser, Patrick ‘Fathers-to-be Handbook’ UK’

https://youtu.be/nfhVBjK2A9A

Websites:

www.fatherstobe.org

Families Need Fathers www.fnf.org.uk

Fathers Direct www.fathersdirect.com

howisdadgoing.org.au - referenced by ‘www.Partners to parents.org’

Podcasts:

https://indiebirth.org/podcastarchive/

https://indiebirth.org/category/podcast/podcasts-for-birth-partners/

FB pages

Sam Parker: “Grab life by the balls” FB page - Men supporting men on the sunshine coast - men’s health stuff - monthly get togethers - Albury, Newcastle as well

Free-birth, Unassisted Birth, Homebirth Father's Support Group

Pic: Thanks to Matt, father extraordinaire to Killian - and super supportive partner to Indy (shared with permission). Matt and Indy operate “Human Design Coaching” located in Hervey Bay. You can contact them for on-line coaching or in-person matt.hdcoaching@gmail.com or indi.hdcoaching@gmail.com. Follow them on Instagram: https://instagram.com/human_design_coaching?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

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